We could all use a little relationship advice dealing with arguments. It’s so important to take a second and remember this helpful advice to restore peace!
You’re in the middle of a huge argument with your man and…HE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM or GETS IN HIS CAR AND DRIVES AWAY! You can’t believe this even happened. You begin to doubt that he ever even loved you. After all, if he loved you wouldn’t he stay and try to work things out with you? You’re so confused and sad as you look out the window and wonder when or if he’ll come back. You’re scared that when he does come back, you’ll probably just fight again and you don’t want to fight.
One moment you’re laughing and enjoying time with your spouse or girlfriend and you’re looking forward to a great day together, then all of a sudden she’s either giving you the “silent treatment,” being snappy, or acting disrespectful toward you. Next thing you know, she’s hurling words like daggers at you so fast that you can’t even keep up with what she’s saying. Your mind begins to shut down from overload and you’re asking yourself what the heck happened. In your heart you feel that she doesn’t appreciate you or respect you at all and you begin to feel that you can never do anything right to please this woman at all. When you can’t take it any longer, you get up and walk out without a word as you try to decipher who this “crazy woman” is and what just happened to turn your entire day upside down.
Men and women need to realize that their problem stems from the fact that we are not wired the same.
We do not think the same, react the same, or even handle fights the same. One underlying reason for fights between couples on the woman’s part is that something was either done or said that made her feel unloved. Sounds crazy? Let me add this, on the man’s part, the reason he gets upset and the fight escalates is because he is reacting to something his wife or girlfriend either said or did that felt disrespectful to him. The lack of being loving or respectful (even unintentionally) causes most of the arguments between men and women.
You might be surprised to know that women’s minds work 100 mph and her alternating verbal attacks and storming off cycles during a fight are actually her way of trying to work things out with you by explaining her feelings. She actually wants to STOP fighting and just be held and loved, but she needs to know that you have at least listened to her feelings and that you acknowledge them and understand.
Often, she will retreat hoping that you will go into the room toward her, hold her, and tell you understand and love her. When you don’t come, she will try again to get her point across often becoming disrespectful and angry in her tones. Gals, all of this verbal talk at one time overloads your men and their brains tend to SHUT DOWN! It’s not intentional, it’s just how they are wired. Guys, when you walk out of the room or get in your car and drive off, your gal interprets this as you being hostile and she feels that you do not love her anymore.
You might be surprised to know that he didn’t walk out during an argument because he doesn’t love you. Quite the opposite. More than likely, he walked out to protect your relationship and to prevent things from escalating even further. In his mind, it’s the honorable thing to do. Having some space between you allows him to think through the gobs of information you have filled his head with in trying to explain your point. Men need quiet time to process information and think about what you said.
How do you resolve the problem once he comes home and how do you prevent it from happening again? First, remember that problems will happen again. It’s how you handle it when it happens that makes the difference. The following are some great steps to help heal after a fight and to avoid another misunderstanding from becoming a blowout:
Try a fresh approach. The old way of talking and arguing only escalates things. Realize that neither of you are perfect and that feelings are just that…feelings. Feelings are neither right or wrong so there is no reason to argue about a feeling. Just try to listen and understand why the other one feels the way they do.
After a fight, gals, tell your man that you are sorry you acted/reacted in a disrespectful way toward them. Guys, likewise, let your gal know that you love her and that you are sorry you acted/reacted in an unloving way toward them. Men, saying those words to your gal is more than half the battle toward the healing between you and often you will see her demeanor soften right before your eyes.
Before you talk, try to filter your words in loving and respectful ways. Men, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to come across in a loving way?” Women, ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to come across in a respectful way?”
Women, talk in bullet points to your man. Don’t overload him with words that back up and make his thinking process shut down. Gather your thoughts and in a respectful and calm way, just tell him what is bothering you. The more emotional you get and the more tears you shed actually make it harder for your man to process the information you are sharing with him.
Men, listen. Women don’t necessarily want you to always solve their problems when they talk to you. Sometimes they just need someone to listen to them talk and bounce ideas off of so that they can hear themselves think out loud and come up with a solution themselves. Offer loving suggestions to her and talk in a calm voice that tells her you are listening and that you love and care about what she is sharing with you.
Men and women! Don’t walk out. Take a deep breath and calm down. Often in the silence your true thoughts and feelings will break through the frustration of the moment and you can share them in a more loving and respectful way.
Remember, the person you are fighting with does not have ill intentions toward you. They love and respect you and want just as much as you do to end the fight and get back to having a great evening with you laughing and hanging out.
After the fight, hold hands, kiss and hold each other. Take a few minutes to tell the other person something you love about them, or something you are thankful for in your lives together. Think about the reasons you fell in love with this person and share that with them or remember some fun memories you have shared as a couple. If you are a Christian, pray together asking for guidance and help in your relationship.
There are marriage counselors and many books on the market to help you with your relationships. One book that I personally recommend for married couples as well as dating couples is the New York Times Bestseller called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
Now that we know a little more about how men and women relate, maybe it won’t feel like you’re from different planets anymore.
Link to Love and Respect book at Barnes and Noble: Author - Elizabeth Avalos Title Photo Credit: smile_kerry argument. via photopin (license)